Chapter 56: TMS
Two weeks after Lu Ge stopped visiting the Xu family, Ji Mian suddenly noticed that Qin Yan was coming to the Xu house more frequently.
At first, he thought it was because Qin Yan was interested in Xu Zhi Xia, but then Qin Yan brought food three times in a row and would sit beside him, urging him to eat.
Ji Mian wasn’t foolish; he immediately thought of Lu Ge.
Sitting at the desk in the bedroom with Qin Yan, Ji Mian slowly swallowed a bite of shrimp.
He was thinking about Lu Ge, hardly glancing at the Qin Yan beside him.
Qin Yan looked at his profile, recalling what Lu Ge had asked him over the phone, struggling to believe those words had come from that high and mighty guy.
Lu Ge’s request wasn’t difficult; he only wanted Qin Yan to come over during his free time and coax "Xu Chi Qiu" to eat more.
But such a simple request left Qin Yan feeling a bit dazed.
He had been friends with Xu Chi Qiu for over ten years. How long had Lu Ge known Chi Qiu?
At the moment he hung up the phone, Qin Yan even felt a strange sense of shame, as if someone was accusing him of neglecting Xu Chi Qiu over the years.
Objectively speaking, being friends with someone to the level of Qin Yan wasn’t inconsiderate. Xu Chi Qiu had been hospitalized several times since childhood, and Qin Yan would come to keep him company even if it meant skipping class.
But everyone’s patience has its limits. Without a deep-rooted love, no one can maintain such unwavering patience for ten years.
“Chi Qiu,” Qin Yan suddenly called out.
Ji Mian turned his head to look at him.
His beautiful pupils were extremely calm and gentle, but those eyes no longer had the sparkle that Qin Yan was familiar with—usually, when Xu Chi Qiu saw him, a dazzling light would shine in his eyes.
How long had it been since Qin Yan had truly looked into those eyes? He couldn’t even remember when that shining light began to fade away.
In a moment of realization, Qin Yan understood that he had unknowingly lost something that was once very important to him.
“What’s wrong?”
“…”
Qin Yan shook his head, a bitter smile on his face. “…Nothing.”
His heart was surprisingly not very painful; it was just a bit numb, like a large hole had opened, leaving it feeling hollow. The cold wind pouring in from that hole slapped against Qin Yan's face, leaving him feeling uncomfortable, ashamed, and lost.
But he also understood that he was already powerless to fill it.
—
As Qin Yan left Ji Mian’s bedroom, he bumped into Xu Zhi Xia, who was walking up the stairs.
Seeing the dazed expression on Qin Yan's face, Xu Zhi Xia couldn’t help but furrow his brows.
“Yan Ge,” he greeted and was about to brush past Qin Yan and head upstairs.
Qin Yan blankly stared at Xu Zhi Xia.
In recent days, he had noticed Xu Zhi Xia’s subtle distancing, but at that time, he was too busy with work to pay much attention to the change.
However, the emptiness in his heart now left him utterly off balance, full of anxiety.
A strong sense of panic surged within him, suddenly gripping Qin Yan. He reached out and grabbed Xu Zhi Xia's wrist.
“Zhi Xia… I like you.”
“…”
Xu Zhi Xia looked at him in shock.
From what he understood of Qin Yan, the latter should never have confessed to him at this moment. Qin Yan was a person who preferred stability and hated failure, and the timing was far from right.
Qin Yan’s confession was unexpected for him, yet it fit into a plan he had already given up on.
It shouldn’t have been like this… He had clearly already given up.
Xu Zhi Xia felt inexplicably uneasy, as if everything was about to derail.
His heart suddenly raced, plunging him into an indescribable sense of immense panic. “Yan Ge, I’m sorry, I…”
“Zhi Xia.” Qin Yan interrupted him, “Please don’t reject me, I beg you…”
At least… not right now.
The bedroom door behind Qin Yan opened with a click.
When Xu Zhi Xia saw the person stepping out from the door, it felt as if the stairs beneath him had lost their solidness and turned soft and void.
When their eyes met Ji Mian’s silent gaze, the enormous fear finally took on a tangible form, opening a vast black hole beneath his feet.
Everything was already set in stone; there was no turning back, no retreating path.
The surrounding space seemed to begin distorting and reshaping. Xu Zhi Xia forcefully broke free from Qin Yan's grip and desperately tried to escape the terrifyingly soft ground beneath him.
He instinctively tried to step back, but he forgot that behind him lay a deeper, darker cliff.
Xu Zhixia stepped into empty space.
In that instant of weightlessness, he felt as if the empty step behind him was a bottomless hell, the cold flames of hell scorching his back.
It was just like many years ago when he stood on the steps, looking down at the blood-stained boy in hell.
In that moment, he thought about saving the person he loved most dearly.
Xu Zhixia thought that he and his parents might have been wrong.
What he should have done was not to accommodate his brother, but to love him, to love him more openly and passionately.
Xu Chi Qiu's heart was like a bottomless pit; no matter how much love he gave, it could never fill it.
But at least, if his love could become a small spark to illuminate the black hole within his brother's heart, Xu Zhixia thought, then he certainly wouldn't be suffering like he was now.
A figure faster than Qin Yan caught Xu Zhixia's hand.
“Zhixia!”
【Idiot!】 the system shouted loudly.
Ji Mian's body was light, and the force with which he grabbed Xu Zhixia's right hand was also light. His thin frame fell along with Xu Zhixia.
He instinctively closed his eyes, hearing a heavy "thud" and thinking it was the end.
But a few seconds later, only his right forearm throbbed with pain. He slowly opened his eyes and found himself tightly protected in Xu Zhixia's arms.
A large pool of blood was seeping from Xu Zhixia's nape.
He had crashed into the cabinet at the bottom of the stairs, and the blood from the cut on his neck was blocked by the cabinet's bottom edge, forming a small fan-shaped patch.
Xu Zhixia's consciousness was hazy, yet he tightly gripped Ji Mian's wrist, as if holding onto the last lifeline.
As he fell, "Xu Chi Qiu" reached out.
Xu Zhixia saw it clearly.
It was as if he couldn't feel the pain; his unfocused gaze remained fixed on "Xu Chi Qiu," his eyes filled with confusion.
—His brother reached out to him.
But why?
—
A few hours after Ji Mian was sent to the hospital, his right arm was wrapped in a thick layer of white bandages.
Falling from such a high staircase, the result was just a sprained wrist and a few scrapes.
He was not seriously injured. After hearing the news of Xu Zhixia waking up, he left his ward to see him.
Xu Zhixia was wearing a neck brace, and his head was wrapped in layers of bandages.
He quietly gazed at the person who entered, not putting on his usual obedient expression, but calmly observing Ji Mian.
In that moment, Ji Mian suddenly understood what this boy, who had always displayed a photo with his brother in the bedroom, had been yearning for all along.
He met Xu Zhixia's gaze and sensed the hope buried deep within him, which had been extinguished time and again yet never vanished…
However, his act of saving someone was not out of love for this brother; it was merely the instinct of "Ji Mian."
Even if it wasn't Xu Zhixia, had it been Qin Yan or someone else, he would only have that one option: to reach out and save.
“Brother,” Xu Zhixia smiled at him, a smile tinged with despair, “I’m sorry.”
Ji Mian pressed his lips together and reached out to tuck a few strands of Xu Zhixia's messy hair aside.
He didn’t provide any answer.
He was not Xu Chi Qiu and could not replace Xu Chi Qiu to forgive anyone.
Ji Mian clearly felt that the heart in his chest, even at that moment, was still beating slowly and mockingly.
That indifferent rhythm belonged to Xu Chi Qiu.
Ji Mian looked at the boy in front of him, who was trying to smile brightly at him, but whose usually bright eyes were tinged with helpless sorrow—for Xu Zhixia and for Xu Chi Qiu.
The love that Xu Zhixia longed for and hoped for had been doomed from the start not to be received.
The only thing Ji Mian could offer was a trivial touch as an external soul.
But that was not love.
Xu Chi Qiu would not love him.
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